D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This week we discussed Divorce. I remember this song and thought it went well with the topic. 

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I know that generally divorce should and can be avoided. However, there are some circumstances where it is necessary and possibly even better for everyone involved. There is a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles 

Here is the link for the entire talk, http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=divorce, but I am going to post a few quotes that stood out to me. 

"modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer."

"Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members."

"I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance."

However Divorce does happen and there are a few factors that will make for a better adjustment: 

-Positive (intact) Social Network 

-Cordial Relationship after divorce between parents

-Good Attitude

-Cooperation in re-establishing parental roles (boundaries) 

-coping with emotional (psych) of divorce (Loss) 

-Intact economic stability between both parties

- No Children 

-Less trauma (reason for divorce)

-Co-Parental Involvement

-Children staying in the same home/No relocation (same school, neighborhood, etc) 

-Awareness of Divorce and reasons so children don't blame themselves 

-Support of Family/Friends

Parenting

Style                     Multidimensional Features of Parenting

	Connection	Regulation	Autonomy Granting
Authoritarian (Rigid)	Low	High	Low
Authoritative (Flexibility)	High	High	High
Permissive	Low to Moderate	Low to Moderate	High

There are three main parenting styles:

-Authoritarian: (aka coercive) lots of rules, but are not very clear. High expectations. use guilt, manipulation, physical punishment,  pain, bribes, etc. Its all about being the boss and having complete control followed by unquestioning obedience. 

-Authoritative: have clear boundaries, but are warm and accepting. Controls behavior moderately and allows for children to express their opinions and develop their own decision-making ability. 

-Permissive: Minimize control. Few or no parental constraints or guidance. Children make their own decisions. Parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do. 

Good Parenting is Intentional, not achieved by accident.  

It is important to realize that there are many reasons children misbehave. Below are some examples of possible reasons why children misbehave: 

-attention seeking (many use this as an obvious cop out, but of course children need attention) 

-want or desire for power

-testing limits (maximizing autonomy) 

-Frustration/stress/ anger/emotions... 

-regulation of emotions (dis-regulated emotions)

-ignorance (they need to be taught) 

-exploring (emotions/environment/etc.) 

-because they want to/they can

-afraid

-impulsive

-parenting style/techniques

-rebellion

-change in schedule/environment

-wants to be structured/feel safe and secure

-tired/too much going on

-hungry

-lonely

-bored

-media influence/learned from example

When we focus on unmet needs of children we are able to set aside the temptation to punish. We focus on helping them to recognize and seek to fulfill their own needs in a productive way. 

A power struggle is the parents inability to meet an child's need. 

Punishment is course of action to extinguish behavior or to stop undesired actions/behaviors. However, many times with out realizing it when trying to extinguish behavior they are using reinforcement instead and are encouraging the undesirable behavior. Reinforcement is generally used to encourage a desired behavior through positive reinforcement (adding or giving something) or negative reinforcement (subtracting or taking away something negative. 

Why Do People Marry?

According to our text book, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, there are a few basic reasons why people get married and they are as follows (in no specific order):

-The need for Intimacy: Intimacy = quality and quantity of shared experiences, companionship.
-Social Expectations: Marriage as an institution is beneficial to society as a whole.
-Social Ideals and Personal Fulfillment: Don't expect to "complete" each other, you share each other as whole people. "compliment not complete each other". You can't blame a spouse from your unhappiness.
-Desire for Children: Although some people choose to have children outside of marriage, it is a far easier task to have children if you are married.
-Marriage as a Practical Solution: Some people view marriage as a solution to various problems and challenges, such as undesirable home situation, to realize ambitions, or as a cure for loneliness.

There are many reasons why people in today's society get married and over the years the reasons have and will continue to change.

Stress is Inevitable!

There is constantly stress in life and there are bound to be multiple times where we are placed in stressful situations. But they can be help and have positive effects on the individual and the family as a whole. 

A crisis or stressor event can often help individuals and families unify as well as recognize their own strength and abilities. It is important that in order to be able to effectively cope that responsibility is take and that the problem is recognized. However, it is also important to not take on too much responsibility and feel guilt for something you had no control over. Effective coping also needs to have a sense of personal and family worth and being confident in your ability to handle the situation. It is also important to balance self-concern with other-concern and to make sure that you remember that others may be going through a tough time too and not become too self-absorbed. Another technique is called reframing or basically redefining your outlook about the situation. Finally, you should not be afraid to find and use available internal (such as communication within the family) and external (such as extended family, friends and professionals) to help when needed. 

Have a Nice Conflict (:

I am generally a person who tries to avoid conflict. In class we discussed the difference between contention and conflict. Contention (anger, hurting others and often ending without a solution) should be avoided, however conflict has some positive functions in relationships (especially marriage). 

The positive functions of Conflict include: 

1. Conflicts bring issues into the open so they can be discussed and fixed. 

2. Conflicts help to clarify issues. 

3. Conflicts can increase awareness of yourself and what you really want. 

4. Small conflicts help defuse more serious conflict - molehill can become mountains. 

5. Conflicts create and maintain a balance of power. 

We also talked about a case study of a couple in conflict. They did not resolve their small conflicts and it built up. In order to fix their situation some of the suggestions when in a situation like this are... 

-talk openly about concerns

-make it 'ours' not 'mine and yours' 

-let each other do their own jobs (defined roles and autonomy) 

-listen to each other

-find compromise

-unify 

-trust each other (confidence) 

Conflict is always based on your values (what is important to you) therefore in relationships it is important to talk about what you both value and make sure that our values are being upheld.  The question to ask each other is "what is so important to you that you would go into conflict?" and to keep in mind what the other person values. 

What is Gender?

This week we talked about gender and before starting it is good to have a basic definition of what gender is and this is what we came up with. 

Gender is... 

-sexual orientation 

-physical characteristics

-boys and girls/male and female 

-external part of identity 

-a simple way to define people 

-specific roles: defined by preference and environmental expectations 

-inherited characteristics 

-feminine or masculine 

Gender is an interesting topic and the specific gender roles and expectations can cause problems within a family if the expectations are not similar. It is important to make sure you define your specific expectations of what it means to be the man and what it means to be the woman.  

Class Distinctions

Statistics from 2005 stated that in the United states about 15 to 20% are in the poor/lower class, about 30 to 40% are in the working class, about 40 to 50% in the middle class and 1 to 3% in the rich/upper class.  

The following are just one definition of the the class distinctions: 

The Lower Class: 

-poverty, homelessness and unemployment 

-few finished high school 

-"the under class" 

-inaccurately classified as welfare mothers who abuse the system by having more and more babies, welfare fathers who are able to work, but do not, drug abusers, criminals and societal "trash" 

The Working Class: 

-minimally educated 

-"manual labor" 

-blue collar workers: skilled 

-working poor: unskilled workers 

The Middle Class: 

-"sandwich class" 

-White collar workers 

-lower middle class: less educated with lower incomes 

-upper middle class: highly educated with higher incomes 

The Upper Class: 

-The lower-upper class includes those with "new money" or money made from investments, business ventures, etc. 

-The upper-middle class includes those aristocratic and "high society" families with "old money" who have been rich for generations. 

-Both are exceptionally rich and have more money than they could possibly spend. 

-much leisure for cultivating a variety of interests. 

-great influence and power both naturally and globally 

Society is greatly divided and although it is not good to look down (or up) on others. However, we must realize that social classes exist and are vital to our society. They can cause problems, but they can also be helpful.  

Genogram

This last week we were supposed to create a Genogram. It is basically a family tree except with relationship and family patterns shown. So why is a genogram important?
-be aware of continuous health problems from previous generations
-find out and break bad trends
-knowing your history

Another important concept we talked about was Differentiation-of-self, finding yourself within the context of the system. You should be a part of the family system, but still independent. Relationships don't define who we are, but are an important factor.

The Systems Theory

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts"

Family is a hard subject to describe, but one way we have tried is through the systems theory. Basically a family is a group of interrelated and differentiated individuals. The individuals effect each other and work together to maintain stability. One way a family system works to regulate itself is through what is known as the feedback loop. The formal definition of feedback loop is "a circular mechanism that introduces information about a systems output back to its input in order to alter, correct and govern the systems functioning and viability. In simple terms, when there is a probably the system, or family, will work to fix it and maintain stability.

Homeostasis is the automatic tendency to maintain balance or equilibrium and a family does this through mechanisms that activate rules that define family relationships and interactions. These mechanisms include boundaries, family rules and meta rules. A boundary is an invisible line that separates and individual, a subsystem, or system from outside surroundings. Family rules govern the system and follows organized established patterns based on the family structure. They are generally established by interaction and enable each person to learn what is permitted or expected in family transactions. Meta rules are basically rules about the rules. They are usually unstated and allow for interpretation.

Subsystems are individual systems within a system, for example executive (usually the parents) or a sibling subsystem. They help the system function through assigned roles and responsibilities.

Generally there are two types of systems, open or closed. An open system has continuous flow of information in and out of the system. A closed system has strict boundaries, is not easily crossed and interaction with the outside is limited and controlled. A family, however, can not be COMPLETELY open or closed. Families need a balance.

The systems theory is only one of the theories that has tried to explain family dynamics, but it is important to recognize the influence of the system. You can't underestimate the power of the system on the individual and it is an interesting way to look at families. I know that there are all kinds of families, but most have a system and follow the basic pattern that the systems theory establishes.

Trends affecting the family

There are many trends among people today that are having an affect on the family including, but not limited to the following:

-         Divorce rates are higher than they were 100 years ago, but there is now a decline in the divorce rate. This seems like a good thing right? But is it because there are more happy marriages or just not as many people getting married.

-         More people, men and especially women, are moving out of their parents’ home and living alone leading to a higher desire to get a career before starting a family.

-         Cohabitation has become an accepted alternative to marriage.

-         Increasing births to unmarried mothers increasing.

-         An overall decrease in birthrate.

-         Increase poverty among children.

-         Increase in dual employment and decrease in traditional roles.

-         Smaller household size.

-         Individualism: people are less concerned with others and more about themselves. There are two types of individualism. Utilitarianism: concern and desire for personal achievement. Expression: concern and desire for personal happiness.

These are just of the few ‘trends’ that have been discussed in class that are changing the way we view family. I think its important that we maintain healthy families, not necessarily ‘traditional’ families. The traditional marriage involved economic opportunity, oppressive male dominance and cruel child laws. This is not what we want. Our textbook made an interesting statement “a satisfying marriage provides you with a built in support system to help with the varied challenges and struggles in life”. Although there seems to be less of a value of marriage and the positive attributes of a marriage, according to the text many people have struggled with the “me vs. we” debate. The growing number of singles (never-married, divorced, widowed) and single-parent families does not reflect a preferred state in order to pursue happiness, but the problems of finding a suitable mate.

 In class Brother Winfree asked us to discuss what we wanted in our family and it made me think about the things that would make an ‘ideal’ family situation and what I would be willing to sacrifice.

I want to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, but I want to have an education incase I need to work. Also I plan on working before I start a family to have a good savings and foundation so that when I do have kids I will have the choice and opportunity to stay home. I also understand that times are hard and things don’t always work out ‘ideal’, so if I do have to work I would like to have a career that I can have flexible hours so I can still spend time with my family. My family is the most important thing to me and I will sacrifice having the luxuries of life if it means I can be at home with my children. However, I also don’t want my husband to have to be working constantly just to provide for us. I want for him to be able to be home as often ad he can so that we can all spend time together. I have placed a big importance of having a stable healthy family. Mainly because my family growing up has been pretty chaotic and so I want to do better for my children. I also have placed a big importance and I know that I must have an education (education=more options) and especially in the world today it is important to have a back-up plan. 

What is "The Learning Model"?

If you are a student at BYU-Idaho this is a common phrase that you may hear from multiple teachers. I never realized that before even knowing what it was I used it in my life. The learning model is basically a three step process of preparing, teaching one another, and ponder and proving. Applying it to education we are taught to prepare before class by completing pre-assignments and reading. Also we must be prepared to share our thoughts with the class, which is where teaching one another comes into play. Everyone has different experiences and by sharing our thoughts with each other we learn more. The last step is Ponder and Prove, which is done through reviewing the material after class and applying it to your life as well as tests and homework. Now it seems like common knowledge and what I have done since I started going to school, but recognizing the steps helps to apply it in other parts of life. 

Now since this is a Family Relations course, we discussed how the learning model can be applied in our current and future families. Here are some of the things we came up with.

-         We are preparing now as students and taking this class to learn about the family and how we can improve.

-         Our “original” family with our parents is preparing for our “future” family with husband and wife. As a married couple we teach one another because we are both coming from different backgrounds and must come together to decide what works for us. We ponder the things we were taught in our family and prove by creating our own family.

-         We are preparing to teach our children and to be taught by them.

-         We teach through example and prepare our children for when it comes time for them to create their own family.

-         We are preparing here on earth and proving our faith and obedience so that we may return to our Heavenly Father.

-         Another interesting point that was made in class was that we all reach a development age where we don’t ‘learn’ more values, its just a reminder of what we should be doing. Usually around age 14 or 15 we already have our basic ideas of what is right and wrong and the rest of our life we are pondering and proving what we were taught.

-         A good way to ponder and prove on your personal family and the successes and failures is keeping a family journal (possible blog?) for you to reflect on what happens in your family. As well as a source for your children to look back on when they are older.

These are just of the few ways that the learning model can be applied to family.

 One statement that really caught my attention was “Healthy families are intentional, preparing is not accidental”. One thing that has always been important to me is family traditions and it is important that we have traditions to teach our children the right thing to do, as well as to have a happy family. For example, traditions of family dinner, family home evening, family prayer and family activities promote unity and communication between family members. 

What is Family?

This semester I am taking a course called Family Relations. I am taking this class because I want to better understand the Family as a system and how the family impacts our lives. I want to learn from my experiences with my family and expand on that to learn how I can build a strong family of my own.

The typical 'legal' definition of a family is defined as a group of people who are related through blood, marriage or adoption. Many people however go beyond this generic definition and tend to say that in order to be family you have a bond, are willing to sacrifice, love, and interact with each other. Under this definition we often don't consider people that are related, but we don't know very well and include people who we have a close personal bond with. Although these relationships are important and exist, our family is literally those related through blood, marriage, or adoption (formal and informal). In class we discussed the definition of a family and someone mentioned how in the Temple we are sealed to our 'family' and that doesn't include our friends who we consider like family, but rather those who are related. I thought this was interesting. We also talked about the importance of family. Families are eternal and God has placed us in families for a reason, they are essential to God's plan for His children. We learn and grow from each other and the role of a Family is highly valued in the LDS church. It is recognized as a divine responsibility to raise our family on the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Now, how does my family fit into the definition of a 'family'. Thats where it gets complicated... so here is my side of the story. I can only tell what I know and so that basically begins when I was born (and its not like I exactly remember that). I was born into and already complicated family...I had two siblings. My older brother-by 4 years-and I have the same Dad, but different Moms. My older sister-by 3 years-and I have the same Mom, but different Dads. Needless to say we were not yet members of the LDS church. As a child my dad wasnt around much... he was a truck driver who drove all across the United States. A little less than 2 years after I was born I was blessed with another brother (different dad and same mom). This time however, the dad stuck around which seemed like a good thing for a while. Things were going good, it seemed to be a pretty normal family. We were even blessed with another brother. We moved around a few times, but overall it felt like the typical 'normal' family... mom, dad and kids. My sister and I got really close, I learned so much from her and we were good friends. However, by the time I was 7 things got complicated again. Since, I was so young I didn't really know what was going on, but here is the shorten version of what I remember. First, I end up in a receiving home, then a foster home. Then my sister and I end up living with the father I had never really know, but this was better than being surrounded by confusion. I had already been separated from my 'parents' and then my brothers and soon after that my sister too. The only person I really had left was my dad. However, he become my family. He dropped his whole life to care for me and I don't think I can ever fully know all the sacrifices he made for me. We finally started to get settled into our new lives together.. however I  always felt like a part of me was missing. Then my mom started showing up again, I thought maybe having her around would help fill the emptiness. Although it seemed to help a little, I still had a whole inside that made me feel incomplete. Eventually, my family increased... when I was 13 my biological parents finally got married.. every child's dream right? Well I was happy, but I also was confused. Had the past just disappeared... was I just supposed to forget everything that happened... was that even possible? I was placed back into my 'old' family and supposed to pretend like everything was okay and we were one big happy family again... but one thing was missing (three actually.. my sister and two brothers). We had no way to contact them or anything and I was so confused. What had I done wrong to become an only child pretty much. Luckily I still had my older brother.. but he was with his mom most of the time. I felt so alone and empty.. my family was incomplete. It was great to have my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc... but I just couldn't forget my siblings. I realized that I was lucky to have most of my family, but with that also came memories of the past . I realized my siblings had to start over, but was that such a bad thing to gain more family... when I lost family? Through a series of events, my parents and I continued our lives together and when I was 14 we found the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints and it became an important part of our lives. The church has helped me to realize that God has a plan. The loss of family has given me a greater desire to build a strong family. Family is important to me, and although there is much more complication to my current (extended) family, I continue to strive to create bonds in the family I have. I don't want to lose anymore family, as well as I hope to gain the ones I have lost. I believe it is important to recognize who our 'family' is and to strive to strengthen our 'family'. I know that the family is a divine creation of God and although the definition of a family is often twisted today, it is still important and needs to be preserved.