Why Do People Marry?

According to our text book, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, there are a few basic reasons why people get married and they are as follows (in no specific order):

-The need for Intimacy: Intimacy = quality and quantity of shared experiences, companionship.
-Social Expectations: Marriage as an institution is beneficial to society as a whole.
-Social Ideals and Personal Fulfillment: Don't expect to "complete" each other, you share each other as whole people. "compliment not complete each other". You can't blame a spouse from your unhappiness.
-Desire for Children: Although some people choose to have children outside of marriage, it is a far easier task to have children if you are married.
-Marriage as a Practical Solution: Some people view marriage as a solution to various problems and challenges, such as undesirable home situation, to realize ambitions, or as a cure for loneliness.

There are many reasons why people in today's society get married and over the years the reasons have and will continue to change.

Stress is Inevitable!

There is constantly stress in life and there are bound to be multiple times where we are placed in stressful situations. But they can be help and have positive effects on the individual and the family as a whole. 

A crisis or stressor event can often help individuals and families unify as well as recognize their own strength and abilities. It is important that in order to be able to effectively cope that responsibility is take and that the problem is recognized. However, it is also important to not take on too much responsibility and feel guilt for something you had no control over. Effective coping also needs to have a sense of personal and family worth and being confident in your ability to handle the situation. It is also important to balance self-concern with other-concern and to make sure that you remember that others may be going through a tough time too and not become too self-absorbed. Another technique is called reframing or basically redefining your outlook about the situation. Finally, you should not be afraid to find and use available internal (such as communication within the family) and external (such as extended family, friends and professionals) to help when needed. 

Have a Nice Conflict (:

I am generally a person who tries to avoid conflict. In class we discussed the difference between contention and conflict. Contention (anger, hurting others and often ending without a solution) should be avoided, however conflict has some positive functions in relationships (especially marriage). 

The positive functions of Conflict include: 

1. Conflicts bring issues into the open so they can be discussed and fixed. 

2. Conflicts help to clarify issues. 

3. Conflicts can increase awareness of yourself and what you really want. 

4. Small conflicts help defuse more serious conflict - molehill can become mountains. 

5. Conflicts create and maintain a balance of power. 

We also talked about a case study of a couple in conflict. They did not resolve their small conflicts and it built up. In order to fix their situation some of the suggestions when in a situation like this are... 

-talk openly about concerns

-make it 'ours' not 'mine and yours' 

-let each other do their own jobs (defined roles and autonomy) 

-listen to each other

-find compromise

-unify 

-trust each other (confidence) 

Conflict is always based on your values (what is important to you) therefore in relationships it is important to talk about what you both value and make sure that our values are being upheld.  The question to ask each other is "what is so important to you that you would go into conflict?" and to keep in mind what the other person values.