D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This week we discussed Divorce. I remember this song and thought it went well with the topic. 

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I know that generally divorce should and can be avoided. However, there are some circumstances where it is necessary and possibly even better for everyone involved. There is a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles 

Here is the link for the entire talk, http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=divorce, but I am going to post a few quotes that stood out to me. 

"modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer."

"Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members."

"I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance."

However Divorce does happen and there are a few factors that will make for a better adjustment: 

-Positive (intact) Social Network 

-Cordial Relationship after divorce between parents

-Good Attitude

-Cooperation in re-establishing parental roles (boundaries) 

-coping with emotional (psych) of divorce (Loss) 

-Intact economic stability between both parties

- No Children 

-Less trauma (reason for divorce)

-Co-Parental Involvement

-Children staying in the same home/No relocation (same school, neighborhood, etc) 

-Awareness of Divorce and reasons so children don't blame themselves 

-Support of Family/Friends

Parenting

Style                     Multidimensional Features of Parenting

	Connection	Regulation	Autonomy Granting
Authoritarian (Rigid)	Low	High	Low
Authoritative (Flexibility)	High	High	High
Permissive	Low to Moderate	Low to Moderate	High

There are three main parenting styles:

-Authoritarian: (aka coercive) lots of rules, but are not very clear. High expectations. use guilt, manipulation, physical punishment,  pain, bribes, etc. Its all about being the boss and having complete control followed by unquestioning obedience. 

-Authoritative: have clear boundaries, but are warm and accepting. Controls behavior moderately and allows for children to express their opinions and develop their own decision-making ability. 

-Permissive: Minimize control. Few or no parental constraints or guidance. Children make their own decisions. Parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do. 

Good Parenting is Intentional, not achieved by accident.  

It is important to realize that there are many reasons children misbehave. Below are some examples of possible reasons why children misbehave: 

-attention seeking (many use this as an obvious cop out, but of course children need attention) 

-want or desire for power

-testing limits (maximizing autonomy) 

-Frustration/stress/ anger/emotions... 

-regulation of emotions (dis-regulated emotions)

-ignorance (they need to be taught) 

-exploring (emotions/environment/etc.) 

-because they want to/they can

-afraid

-impulsive

-parenting style/techniques

-rebellion

-change in schedule/environment

-wants to be structured/feel safe and secure

-tired/too much going on

-hungry

-lonely

-bored

-media influence/learned from example

When we focus on unmet needs of children we are able to set aside the temptation to punish. We focus on helping them to recognize and seek to fulfill their own needs in a productive way. 

A power struggle is the parents inability to meet an child's need. 

Punishment is course of action to extinguish behavior or to stop undesired actions/behaviors. However, many times with out realizing it when trying to extinguish behavior they are using reinforcement instead and are encouraging the undesirable behavior. Reinforcement is generally used to encourage a desired behavior through positive reinforcement (adding or giving something) or negative reinforcement (subtracting or taking away something negative.