D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This week we discussed Divorce. I remember this song and thought it went well with the topic. 

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I know that generally divorce should and can be avoided. However, there are some circumstances where it is necessary and possibly even better for everyone involved. There is a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles 

Here is the link for the entire talk, http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=divorce, but I am going to post a few quotes that stood out to me. 

"modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer."

"Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members."

"I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance."

However Divorce does happen and there are a few factors that will make for a better adjustment: 

-Positive (intact) Social Network 

-Cordial Relationship after divorce between parents

-Good Attitude

-Cooperation in re-establishing parental roles (boundaries) 

-coping with emotional (psych) of divorce (Loss) 

-Intact economic stability between both parties

- No Children 

-Less trauma (reason for divorce)

-Co-Parental Involvement

-Children staying in the same home/No relocation (same school, neighborhood, etc) 

-Awareness of Divorce and reasons so children don't blame themselves 

-Support of Family/Friends

Parenting

Style                     Multidimensional Features of Parenting

	Connection	Regulation	Autonomy Granting
Authoritarian (Rigid)	Low	High	Low
Authoritative (Flexibility)	High	High	High
Permissive	Low to Moderate	Low to Moderate	High

There are three main parenting styles:

-Authoritarian: (aka coercive) lots of rules, but are not very clear. High expectations. use guilt, manipulation, physical punishment,  pain, bribes, etc. Its all about being the boss and having complete control followed by unquestioning obedience. 

-Authoritative: have clear boundaries, but are warm and accepting. Controls behavior moderately and allows for children to express their opinions and develop their own decision-making ability. 

-Permissive: Minimize control. Few or no parental constraints or guidance. Children make their own decisions. Parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do. 

Good Parenting is Intentional, not achieved by accident.  

It is important to realize that there are many reasons children misbehave. Below are some examples of possible reasons why children misbehave: 

-attention seeking (many use this as an obvious cop out, but of course children need attention) 

-want or desire for power

-testing limits (maximizing autonomy) 

-Frustration/stress/ anger/emotions... 

-regulation of emotions (dis-regulated emotions)

-ignorance (they need to be taught) 

-exploring (emotions/environment/etc.) 

-because they want to/they can

-afraid

-impulsive

-parenting style/techniques

-rebellion

-change in schedule/environment

-wants to be structured/feel safe and secure

-tired/too much going on

-hungry

-lonely

-bored

-media influence/learned from example

When we focus on unmet needs of children we are able to set aside the temptation to punish. We focus on helping them to recognize and seek to fulfill their own needs in a productive way. 

A power struggle is the parents inability to meet an child's need. 

Punishment is course of action to extinguish behavior or to stop undesired actions/behaviors. However, many times with out realizing it when trying to extinguish behavior they are using reinforcement instead and are encouraging the undesirable behavior. Reinforcement is generally used to encourage a desired behavior through positive reinforcement (adding or giving something) or negative reinforcement (subtracting or taking away something negative. 

Why Do People Marry?

According to our text book, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, there are a few basic reasons why people get married and they are as follows (in no specific order):

-The need for Intimacy: Intimacy = quality and quantity of shared experiences, companionship.
-Social Expectations: Marriage as an institution is beneficial to society as a whole.
-Social Ideals and Personal Fulfillment: Don't expect to "complete" each other, you share each other as whole people. "compliment not complete each other". You can't blame a spouse from your unhappiness.
-Desire for Children: Although some people choose to have children outside of marriage, it is a far easier task to have children if you are married.
-Marriage as a Practical Solution: Some people view marriage as a solution to various problems and challenges, such as undesirable home situation, to realize ambitions, or as a cure for loneliness.

There are many reasons why people in today's society get married and over the years the reasons have and will continue to change.

Stress is Inevitable!

There is constantly stress in life and there are bound to be multiple times where we are placed in stressful situations. But they can be help and have positive effects on the individual and the family as a whole. 

A crisis or stressor event can often help individuals and families unify as well as recognize their own strength and abilities. It is important that in order to be able to effectively cope that responsibility is take and that the problem is recognized. However, it is also important to not take on too much responsibility and feel guilt for something you had no control over. Effective coping also needs to have a sense of personal and family worth and being confident in your ability to handle the situation. It is also important to balance self-concern with other-concern and to make sure that you remember that others may be going through a tough time too and not become too self-absorbed. Another technique is called reframing or basically redefining your outlook about the situation. Finally, you should not be afraid to find and use available internal (such as communication within the family) and external (such as extended family, friends and professionals) to help when needed. 

Have a Nice Conflict (:

I am generally a person who tries to avoid conflict. In class we discussed the difference between contention and conflict. Contention (anger, hurting others and often ending without a solution) should be avoided, however conflict has some positive functions in relationships (especially marriage). 

The positive functions of Conflict include: 

1. Conflicts bring issues into the open so they can be discussed and fixed. 

2. Conflicts help to clarify issues. 

3. Conflicts can increase awareness of yourself and what you really want. 

4. Small conflicts help defuse more serious conflict - molehill can become mountains. 

5. Conflicts create and maintain a balance of power. 

We also talked about a case study of a couple in conflict. They did not resolve their small conflicts and it built up. In order to fix their situation some of the suggestions when in a situation like this are... 

-talk openly about concerns

-make it 'ours' not 'mine and yours' 

-let each other do their own jobs (defined roles and autonomy) 

-listen to each other

-find compromise

-unify 

-trust each other (confidence) 

Conflict is always based on your values (what is important to you) therefore in relationships it is important to talk about what you both value and make sure that our values are being upheld.  The question to ask each other is "what is so important to you that you would go into conflict?" and to keep in mind what the other person values. 

What is Gender?

This week we talked about gender and before starting it is good to have a basic definition of what gender is and this is what we came up with. 

Gender is... 

-sexual orientation 

-physical characteristics

-boys and girls/male and female 

-external part of identity 

-a simple way to define people 

-specific roles: defined by preference and environmental expectations 

-inherited characteristics 

-feminine or masculine 

Gender is an interesting topic and the specific gender roles and expectations can cause problems within a family if the expectations are not similar. It is important to make sure you define your specific expectations of what it means to be the man and what it means to be the woman.  

Class Distinctions

Statistics from 2005 stated that in the United states about 15 to 20% are in the poor/lower class, about 30 to 40% are in the working class, about 40 to 50% in the middle class and 1 to 3% in the rich/upper class.  

The following are just one definition of the the class distinctions: 

The Lower Class: 

-poverty, homelessness and unemployment 

-few finished high school 

-"the under class" 

-inaccurately classified as welfare mothers who abuse the system by having more and more babies, welfare fathers who are able to work, but do not, drug abusers, criminals and societal "trash" 

The Working Class: 

-minimally educated 

-"manual labor" 

-blue collar workers: skilled 

-working poor: unskilled workers 

The Middle Class: 

-"sandwich class" 

-White collar workers 

-lower middle class: less educated with lower incomes 

-upper middle class: highly educated with higher incomes 

The Upper Class: 

-The lower-upper class includes those with "new money" or money made from investments, business ventures, etc. 

-The upper-middle class includes those aristocratic and "high society" families with "old money" who have been rich for generations. 

-Both are exceptionally rich and have more money than they could possibly spend. 

-much leisure for cultivating a variety of interests. 

-great influence and power both naturally and globally 

Society is greatly divided and although it is not good to look down (or up) on others. However, we must realize that social classes exist and are vital to our society. They can cause problems, but they can also be helpful.