Why Do People Marry?

According to our text book, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, there are a few basic reasons why people get married and they are as follows (in no specific order):

-The need for Intimacy: Intimacy = quality and quantity of shared experiences, companionship.
-Social Expectations: Marriage as an institution is beneficial to society as a whole.
-Social Ideals and Personal Fulfillment: Don't expect to "complete" each other, you share each other as whole people. "compliment not complete each other". You can't blame a spouse from your unhappiness.
-Desire for Children: Although some people choose to have children outside of marriage, it is a far easier task to have children if you are married.
-Marriage as a Practical Solution: Some people view marriage as a solution to various problems and challenges, such as undesirable home situation, to realize ambitions, or as a cure for loneliness.

There are many reasons why people in today's society get married and over the years the reasons have and will continue to change.

Stress is Inevitable!

There is constantly stress in life and there are bound to be multiple times where we are placed in stressful situations. But they can be help and have positive effects on the individual and the family as a whole. 

A crisis or stressor event can often help individuals and families unify as well as recognize their own strength and abilities. It is important that in order to be able to effectively cope that responsibility is take and that the problem is recognized. However, it is also important to not take on too much responsibility and feel guilt for something you had no control over. Effective coping also needs to have a sense of personal and family worth and being confident in your ability to handle the situation. It is also important to balance self-concern with other-concern and to make sure that you remember that others may be going through a tough time too and not become too self-absorbed. Another technique is called reframing or basically redefining your outlook about the situation. Finally, you should not be afraid to find and use available internal (such as communication within the family) and external (such as extended family, friends and professionals) to help when needed. 

Have a Nice Conflict (:

I am generally a person who tries to avoid conflict. In class we discussed the difference between contention and conflict. Contention (anger, hurting others and often ending without a solution) should be avoided, however conflict has some positive functions in relationships (especially marriage). 

The positive functions of Conflict include: 

1. Conflicts bring issues into the open so they can be discussed and fixed. 

2. Conflicts help to clarify issues. 

3. Conflicts can increase awareness of yourself and what you really want. 

4. Small conflicts help defuse more serious conflict - molehill can become mountains. 

5. Conflicts create and maintain a balance of power. 

We also talked about a case study of a couple in conflict. They did not resolve their small conflicts and it built up. In order to fix their situation some of the suggestions when in a situation like this are... 

-talk openly about concerns

-make it 'ours' not 'mine and yours' 

-let each other do their own jobs (defined roles and autonomy) 

-listen to each other

-find compromise

-unify 

-trust each other (confidence) 

Conflict is always based on your values (what is important to you) therefore in relationships it is important to talk about what you both value and make sure that our values are being upheld.  The question to ask each other is "what is so important to you that you would go into conflict?" and to keep in mind what the other person values. 

What is Gender?

This week we talked about gender and before starting it is good to have a basic definition of what gender is and this is what we came up with. 

Gender is... 

-sexual orientation 

-physical characteristics

-boys and girls/male and female 

-external part of identity 

-a simple way to define people 

-specific roles: defined by preference and environmental expectations 

-inherited characteristics 

-feminine or masculine 

Gender is an interesting topic and the specific gender roles and expectations can cause problems within a family if the expectations are not similar. It is important to make sure you define your specific expectations of what it means to be the man and what it means to be the woman.  

Class Distinctions

Statistics from 2005 stated that in the United states about 15 to 20% are in the poor/lower class, about 30 to 40% are in the working class, about 40 to 50% in the middle class and 1 to 3% in the rich/upper class.  

The following are just one definition of the the class distinctions: 

The Lower Class: 

-poverty, homelessness and unemployment 

-few finished high school 

-"the under class" 

-inaccurately classified as welfare mothers who abuse the system by having more and more babies, welfare fathers who are able to work, but do not, drug abusers, criminals and societal "trash" 

The Working Class: 

-minimally educated 

-"manual labor" 

-blue collar workers: skilled 

-working poor: unskilled workers 

The Middle Class: 

-"sandwich class" 

-White collar workers 

-lower middle class: less educated with lower incomes 

-upper middle class: highly educated with higher incomes 

The Upper Class: 

-The lower-upper class includes those with "new money" or money made from investments, business ventures, etc. 

-The upper-middle class includes those aristocratic and "high society" families with "old money" who have been rich for generations. 

-Both are exceptionally rich and have more money than they could possibly spend. 

-much leisure for cultivating a variety of interests. 

-great influence and power both naturally and globally 

Society is greatly divided and although it is not good to look down (or up) on others. However, we must realize that social classes exist and are vital to our society. They can cause problems, but they can also be helpful.  

Genogram

This last week we were supposed to create a Genogram. It is basically a family tree except with relationship and family patterns shown. So why is a genogram important?
-be aware of continuous health problems from previous generations
-find out and break bad trends
-knowing your history

Another important concept we talked about was Differentiation-of-self, finding yourself within the context of the system. You should be a part of the family system, but still independent. Relationships don't define who we are, but are an important factor.

The Systems Theory

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts"

Family is a hard subject to describe, but one way we have tried is through the systems theory. Basically a family is a group of interrelated and differentiated individuals. The individuals effect each other and work together to maintain stability. One way a family system works to regulate itself is through what is known as the feedback loop. The formal definition of feedback loop is "a circular mechanism that introduces information about a systems output back to its input in order to alter, correct and govern the systems functioning and viability. In simple terms, when there is a probably the system, or family, will work to fix it and maintain stability.

Homeostasis is the automatic tendency to maintain balance or equilibrium and a family does this through mechanisms that activate rules that define family relationships and interactions. These mechanisms include boundaries, family rules and meta rules. A boundary is an invisible line that separates and individual, a subsystem, or system from outside surroundings. Family rules govern the system and follows organized established patterns based on the family structure. They are generally established by interaction and enable each person to learn what is permitted or expected in family transactions. Meta rules are basically rules about the rules. They are usually unstated and allow for interpretation.

Subsystems are individual systems within a system, for example executive (usually the parents) or a sibling subsystem. They help the system function through assigned roles and responsibilities.

Generally there are two types of systems, open or closed. An open system has continuous flow of information in and out of the system. A closed system has strict boundaries, is not easily crossed and interaction with the outside is limited and controlled. A family, however, can not be COMPLETELY open or closed. Families need a balance.

The systems theory is only one of the theories that has tried to explain family dynamics, but it is important to recognize the influence of the system. You can't underestimate the power of the system on the individual and it is an interesting way to look at families. I know that there are all kinds of families, but most have a system and follow the basic pattern that the systems theory establishes.